Saturday, September 17, 2011

Barkety-Assed Dog...

Do you have One Of Those neighbors nearby with a dog that barks incessantly like a broken record? One-note Johnnies, they are.
Winter melts away, the warm weather moves in when Springtime comes and ya just have to throw those windows open and enjoy the sweet breezes while they clear out the winter musties and fill your house with intoxicating scents. Scotch Broom is amazingly pungent along with the jasmine and the damp green grasses while the subtle scents of cedar and pine kiss the air and stake their claim of presence evergreen. You stand at the window, close your eyes for transport to the clouds, point your pretty nose upward to sniff and....,"Arp!..Arp!..Arp!..Arp-arp-arp! Arp! Arp! Arp-arp-arp! Arp! Arp! Arp-arp-arp!"... Oh no. Another 7 months of that, just like the years before this.
There is nothing and no one out there to bark at. Neurotic Terrier mix. Close up the windows and crank up the stereo in self-defense. There are two dogs, but only The One barks. When the neighbors return home, it sounds like a kennel. I have tried talking to her before. One of the other neighbors across the street called the cops on her and she seemed genuinely hurt. No remorse for having driven the neighbor crazy by not training her dog. But you see, people who have such a dog usually don't hear their own dog bark, or it doesn't bother them so what's YOUR problem? You are The Bad One for complaining. So, what we have here is a Terrier mutt with a 'tude and a neighbor who doesn't give a shit. Lovely.
I adamantly refuse to call the cops on my neighbor for a barking dog. I will throttle the dog before I'll go to the cop shop and whine, "The doggie is barking at me." Pick your battles wisely because, that is an act of insanity. Still, some people do it when they can't stand another day of it and they have run out of valiums and their doctor is looking at them sideways when they ask for yet another refill.
But that part of it isn't my story. Every day, that mutt says the same thing, over and over. If he can bark so much, why can't he learn a new word? (Spellchecker does not like the word "valiums".)
Back in my mother's old neighborhood in Montecito, every neighbor had a barking dog. Three in a row across the street had Golden Retrievers. And all day long, every day without fail, every dog on that street barked non-stop. And at night, one neighbor with Dobermans kept her dogs outside and those two would bark all night long. Rarely peace and quiet, and always the sleep deprivation. Mother called the homeowners' association when the police and the dogcatcher wouldn't come out. The man insulted her intelligence with," Why don't you get a hobby, lady?" What was it about law enforcement and disturbing the peace?
And then, one day, Mama snapped into a zillion pieces out on the patio and started barking back. What fresh hell was this? Not exactly a Kodak moment. I was scared that one of those neighbors would call the police on her. But then, just wait a doggone minute. They don't care if the dogs bark, so why would they arrest a barking human? Because a dog's gotta bark and a human needs a cup of shut up.
There. Okay, I feel better now. Some days you jes' need to cuss 'em.

Well? What would YOU do?

Not every great recipe is 100% down home scratch. Sometimes we experiment with a store bought box, or bag, can or jar ingredients that just can't be equalled or improved at home on the range. So we compromise and keep it a secret and act like the fucking Queen of Quinoa in her hippie trippy kitchen of wholesome Green. But, I am a blabbermouth with a food blog and it's not exactly my mission to do this on a need-to-know basis. When I bake, I gotta share the beater love.
This recipe got its beginnings the other night, when I discovered an unopened bottle of jerk sauce on the lowest shelf in the refrigerator door. Can't remember what I'd bought it for, as I don't usually do bottled sauces or jerk meat. Worcestershire, yes. A-1, BLEAH no. Hot oils and garlic oil, oh yeah, but, except for the Worcestershire and Mongolian Hot Oil, I make my own. So I opened the bottle of jerk sauce and fell in love with the thoughts of what I could make with it.
Mr. P was crawling into bed for the night, but I had to take it in there and have him whiff it.He is used to this sort of outburst of glee. And, oh yeah, he loved the smell of it. Actually, we kept taking turns smelling it because it was quite the surprise. It immediately went on my list of "Do Something With That".
The next day, when there was 6 1/2 hours before he was due home from work but it felt like it was time to start getting dinner parts together. All I had was a leftover rump roast. It was Mr.P's idea to do a rump roast. I will only buy chuck roasts. And if this food talked, it would have been rude. I'm telling you, bitches, this thing really needed help. And not wanting to offend the starving children in Biafra, I had to make good use of it and not let it go to waste. Mr.P bought it to make Beef Dips. Enough is enough. Time for a change.
And then I remembered the jerk sauce. Dance of joy! Not just any old jerk sauce. This is World Harbors Blue Mountain Jamaican Style Jerk Sauce & Marinade, sweet & spicy. Whew! That was a mouthful. But couldn't I just leave it at that? NooOOOOoooo. Onions, olive oil infused Elephant Garlic, mushroom bits and slices, and the one thing to take it beyond mamsy pamsy 'spicy': the awesomely hot serrano chili. Let's give it some pluck and make it grow nads.

An original from Pink Elephants coffee Cafe
Serves 4

Preparing the meat:
2# rump roast
Bake roast in 375F oven for one hour. Remove from oven, cover loosely with foil and let stand to cool down. If you like, you can put it in the refrigerator for 3 or 4 days. Cover tightly. It is easier to cut the rump after a night of chilling.

The Aside:
4 servings white Minute Rice
Cook rice according to instructions on the box.

The Marinade:
1 18-oz. bottle World Harbors Blue Mountain Jamaican Jerk & Marinade, sweet and spicy
1 small ripe serrano chili
1 small-to-medium yellow onion, sliced very thin
1 small can mushroom stems and pieces
10 VERY thin slices of Elephant Garlic, preferably infused with olive oil
One sploosh of truffle oil
1 1/2 tsp. black pepper (fresh cracked is always best)
1. Allowing 4 thin slices of meat per serving, slice cold roast very thin and place it in a shallow, large bowl, as like a cereal or soup bowl.
2. Pour 1/2 the jerk sauce over the beef slices making sure to stir it up and coat it completely, with extra sauce, as much will be absorbed in marination.
3. Slice the onion VERY thin (what is pictured here is really too thick), then halve the slices. Add to meat marinade mixture. Add the thin slices of Elephant Garlic ( do not add more than 2 tsp. of the garlic-infused olive oil ).
4. Slice quite thin, the serrano chili. You will need only 10-12 slices. Add to mixture.
5. Drain the can of mushrooms. Add 3/4's of the can to mixture.
6. Add in the black pepper and stir it all up, making sure everything is amply coated and evenly distributed.
7. Cover bowl with foil and place in refrigerator for 6 hours, stirring it up and turning the meat every hour reclosing the foil cover to put back in fridge.

8. When ready to heat up dinner, cook enough white Minute Rice for 4 or 5 servings. (Some people like more than a scoop of rice.) Follow instructions on the box.

9. While the rice in the pan sits for 5 min. until ready to fluff with a fork (make sure all of the water is cooked out), put the meat and marinade mixture in a non-stick frying pan on medium heat. (I used an electric skillet set between low and medium). Stir a little while frying to warm up the meat and marinade mixture, and let the onions, mushrooms and garlic slices caramelize somewhat, but you don't want the sauce to dry up.


  1. Hehe no dog here but we have really noisy neighbours! One that plays music so loudly that I thought that they were in my apartment!

  2. That's very rude of your neighbors. They are going to have to be punished. heh heh. If they had a fireplace, I'd say to toss some stinky cheese into it. We are grateful that our old neighbors don't get naked and prance around like old hippies..Naked people piss me off. They wangy-dangy and boppity-boopity all over the place. Which could possibly be preferable? The anonymous neighbors can provide us with hours of writing material!